The Dog, The Hose & The Bucket.
Updated: May 13, 2019
WARNING: Explicit language!
Well f*ck me, can we all just stop and take a second to think about the absolute chaos that has descended on my household? As far back as I can remember I have managed to convince many that I am going bald due to the sheer uncertainty of my daily schedule. And then….this bitch decides to go and buy a dog. Not just any dog though mate, a white one. A white, fluffy bundle of sas that is so high maintenance he vomits when he's hungry. His name is Duke and as I write this he is sinking his sharp, little white teeth into my arm and staring right into my soul. Just two months into Fleet Road life and the house is holding on by a thread, he's tearing though everything we own like a smiling hurricane and I need 8 sets of eyes to make sure he doesn't choke on our dining room table. It's safe to safe this puppy life is exhausting but I would be lying if I said I didn't know this was coming. I don't walk past a single dog walker in the morning who doesn't say 'owwffff bet it's hard to keep his coat clean'. Speaking of coats, Duke is currently blowing his which means he leaves a trail of miniature clouds behind wherever he has been. I say ‘blowing’ because in Sammy world they don’t gradually shed their fur. No no, they literally dispose of it by the bucket load and it sticks to everything! I am covered in so much of the stuff I have become part Samoyed and I now shit in the garden. On the upside to this extreme shedding sport that he has taken up, it does mean that at this time of the year, when he decides to lay in stagnant, swamp water, there is less of him for the mud to cling to. However, this is so marginal I'm really just trying to be a glass half full kind of person so I don't put my head in the blender.
So when we arrive home from a walk where I have usually not followed the Fleet pond dog walking rules and offended someone, I get the hose out and spray him down. Now the hose is a new thing and he hates it, which gives me some satisfaction as I swear he’s seeking out smelly mud on purpose so I spend more time massaging his temples with soap. Originally when he first arrived at Fleet Road I was such a grade A push over I was getting in the shower naked and cradling him like a baby to undo his irrational decisions. Now, like anyone that starts to live their best life of luxury, he started to expect this kind of treatment on a regular basis and it made no odds to him whether he came back from a walk looking like he had done a 12 hour shift in a coal mine. Therefore, after being mugged off for at least a month, I transferred over to freezing cold hose in the garden. So yesterday after another full submerge into utter skank, I left Brown and Harley to deal with the outdoor bath as quite frankly, I just couldn’t face dealing with it for the 6th time this week. What unfolded before my eyes was something that you would only witness in a cartoon. Big tub filled with soapy water, hose for rinsing and a towel wrapped over Brown's arm butler style. As these preparations began to take place Duke got wind of what was about to happen and….commence the big chase round the garden. Now when you are trying to herd a herding dog you must not forget that they possess many hidden powers. As it happens, when it's bath time, Duke has the ability to morph into a liquid. This guy can slip through your fingers quicker than oil. Once caught however, he then transforms into a stunt artist and can perfectly calculate how far he needs to separate his paws across the bathtub so he is precisely balanced on the rim. The more you lift him up and reset the decent into the tub the better the calculations become and I swear to god when it's not you trying to deal, it is one of the funniest fucking things you will ever see. In fact, witnessing this from afar was so enjoyable for me yesterday that I pulled up a chair a few meters away and laughed so hard it looked like I was in the final stages of rigor mortis.
So in a nutshell, this is just one day in the life of and I have plenty more shit to tell you. I have no idea what this has to do with personal training or nutrition but whatever. However, I do know that many of my clients come in to my studio and experience great satisfaction in me telling them how ridiculous my life is whilst they enjoy a post workout cuddle with our ‘goodest boy’ Duke, who you can find on instagram if you click here. Cue eye roll. Laters.